Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Avocado in 3D

It just occurred to me that the legendary Avocado mini-series is no longer on the Internet. For those of you out there that just vaguely know Mitchell Warren, or who continually stalk him online, here is the full avocado movie now beautifully restored in 3D. I know some of my friends will read it and go WTF, while my enemies will read it and hate me all the more so. Rest assured, I will never explain what it means or what strange creative processes went into its creation. I will simply say that long after I write my bestselling novel, this will still be my all time favorite story ever.


MITCHELL WARREN PRESENTS...


Now a word from our sponsors.


(Dramatic Scenes Involving Melodramatic Female Characters & An Avocado)

Now in 3D

Starring the Avocado as himself


Also starring Atreca Linworth


(Dramatic Scenes Involving Melodramatic Female Characters & An Avocado)

Now in 3D


SCENE 1: A woman breaks up with an avocado.

Woman: (Saddened) I have to leave you.

The
avocado says nothing.

Woman: Will you just listen to me?

The
avocado listens.

Woman: A very rich man is offering me the chance to be his wife.

The
avocado doesn't bother replying. The woman starts to shake with anxiety.

Woman: I'm sorry. He proposed to me...

The
avocado is angry.

Woman: How can you of all people say this? You are the one who did not want marriage!

The
avocado argues...with its silence.

Woman: No. I have to.

The woman starts crying. The
avocado is also sad.

Woman: I do not want you to marry me out of necessity. You will meet someone else...

The
avocado refuses...in silence.

Woman: I have to go. I am not happy. Can you not feel simple compassion for my plight?

The
avocado makes silent promises.

The
avocado and the woman weep loudly and bitterly as the drowning, lovesick argument continues. (Though the avocado is silent in comparison)

The woman hugs the
avocado not wishing to let it go for a second, avoiding the empty feeling she would eventually be forced to contend with. The avocado, just as heartbroken, doesn't protest and allows itself to be clutched tightly, that they might be together at least for one more moment.

The
avocado imparts a thought, in its dignified silence.

The woman can barely speak because of her tears, but agrees with the sentiment. The two lovers reach an agreement; even if both know the affair is over, they must lie to themselves and believe the situation is truly resolved. If not for the sake of prudence...then for the sake of their lives.

SCENE 2: The
avocado starts seeing other people.

A buxom blonde sits next to the avocado in a dim lit living room, listening to jazz music.

Woman 2: I know that you hurt deep inside. You act all tough and silent...but I know every moment you bleed inside. Your heart is peeling, isn't it?

The
avocado says nothing.

Woman 2: Will you ever get over her? There is a lot of love in this world. If only you would allow yourself to live. And love. And trust.

The
avocado thinks about it.

Woman 2: You know you're very sexy. I know Atreca must have told you that all the time. But it's true. I see what Atreca saw in you. You're strong. You're silent. You're firm. You're not soft. Not where it counts. You're the strongest lover a woman's ever known.

The
avocado listens, sort of aroused?

Woman 2: M-May I kiss you?

The woman kisses the
avocado. Lightly at first, a mischevious peck. Then a slower kiss, one that lasts longer and includes her tongue--yes, licking the avocado. The woman grabs the avocado and brings it closer to her, continuing the passionate kiss.

Woman 2: (In heat) Oh...you're good at this. Too good. Atreca doesn't know what she's missing...mmm...

The woman lies down on the couch and lets the
avocado rest on top of her.

Woman 2: Kiss me again! Don't stop! I want you!

The woman french-kisses the
avocado until she loses her breath.

Woman: Oh God! Come on. I'm ready! I want to feel you inside of me!

The
avocado agrees and...


SCENE 3: "Death"

The
avocado is dead. Another woman attends the avocado's funeral.

Woman 3: (Crying) Why God, why? Why did he have to die? I loved him!! {sniff}

Denouement: The
avocado died. All three women also died of an unknown disease.


END OF ACT ONE.






Now a word from our sponsors.

Meet Jerome and Noel


SCENE 4: An awkward Family Dinner.


Atreca dines with her parents and the
avocado. The avocado hasn't touched its plate. The avocado is being conspicuously silent.

Father: So...you know you're sleeping with a piece of fruit, right?
Atreca: (Shocked and appalled) DAD!!! HOW DARE YOU!!
Father: What? He is. He's an Avocado. Hello?
Atreca: (Tearing up) He is NOT an avocado to me, dad. He is the man I love. Why can't you accept him for that? Why can't you accept me for who I am?
Father: Atreca, your boyfriend is a piece of fruit.
Atreca: STOP IT!
Father: Look at him!! He doesn't talk, move or anything! He hasn't touched his plate!

The
avocado exercises self-control and does nothing.

Father: No daughter of mine is going to marry a fucking avocado. That's for damn sure.
Atreca: Oh yeah, whatever! You're just saying that because you're a racist!
Father: I am not!
Atreca: You are! Just because the love of my life--the man I love--doesn't look like you, talk like you, act like you...you pass judgment on him! What's next? Are you going to say all avocado's look alike?
Father: They do!
Mother: Honey, we're just worried about you. You always seem to bring home such "interesting" guests...
Atreca: Oh my GOD. You're just like him. You're both racist! I have racists for parents! (Crying hard) Well fine! I don't care! I am going to marry this little piece of FRUIT! Now how do you like that? And when we have children, I will NOT EVER let you see them! NEVEEEERR!
Father: Good! Who'd want to see a mutant baby?
Atreca: You're both sick, sick people. And you claim to be Christian. HAH! Jesus never judged people, dad.
Father: (Angry) YOU'RE NOT GOING TO MARRY AN AVOCADO, DAMN IT!!!

The
avocado says nothing...but is ashamed

Atreca: As far as I'm concerned until you stop being RACIST and hating people of different races, then I HAVE NO PARENTS.
Father: Yeah, I got news for you. Neither does your fruity boyfriend. He was grown on a fucking tree!
Mother: Now, honey. The Lord Jesus doesn't like you saying F words. Maybe Atreca's right...maybe...we should try accepting the avocado for who he is. Not what he looks like.
Father: Oh my God. You're both nuts.
Atreca: No, daddy. You are! You're the one who's racist. Racist people demean our society! They bastardize civilization! Until you acknowledge this problem and stop hating other races...then I have nothing left to say to you.

Atreca takes the
avocado and storms out. The mother and father try to recover.

Mother: Well...poor Atreca.
Father: (Shakes his head in disbelief) The nerve of that kid. To call me racist. We had the same problem when she brought that nigger and chink home.
Mother: ...(Stunned)


SCENE 5: Atreca and the
avocado dine at a restaurant.

Waiter: Heya baby. What'll it be?
Atreca: I'll have nachos with guacamole dip.
Waiter: Ooookay. And you?

The
avocado says nothing but is infuriated.

Atreca: What? Honey? What's wrong?

The
avocado says nothing.

Atreca: WHAT? WHAT??!?!?! WHAT?!?!?!??!?! WHY WON'T YOU LET ME IN?!?!? (Cries)

(MORAL OF THE STORY: Never date a drama queen)

SCENE 6: Atreca speaks to her blonde friend "Katrina" at a fundraiser for George W. Bush's second term.

Katrina: So how did it go at your parents' house?
Atreca: (Sighs) Not well. We got into a huge fight at dinner.
Katrina: Oh? Why so?
Atreca: It's my father's fault. He went into his usual racist bullshit.
Katrina: Oh, I hate that. How can people be so ignorant in the twenty first century?
Atreca: I know. He does the same thing no matter who I bring home. With Kensuke, then Jemarcus, then Padraic, then Isaiah...(moans)
Katrina: You sure date a lot of multi-cultural people, Atreca.
Atreca: So what?
Katrina: Well, the keyword is "lot", not cultural. Maybe you should slow down? Maybe having just one Korean gangbang a year? You know what I mean?
Atreca: Are you calling me an international slut, Katrina?
Katrina: No! No, honey. I'm not. Please don't misconstrue this. I just think you're getting older and you should start to take relationships a little more seriously.
Atreca: I know. And I am. That's why I've stayed so long with Avo. I don't want to just run away at the first sign of trouble. My psychologist told me it was a pattern of mine. To get involved in self-destructive relationships and then at the first sign of confrontation, to go out and screw another Jew or Mexican. With Avo, I thought to myself...wow. I'm finally settling down and getting in touch with reality. Avo is not just a man...
Katrina: No, he's not.
Atreca: He's stable. He's patient. And he's everything my father was. At least back before he became a racist fool.
Katrina: Hmm. I never knew that.
Atreca: Yeah. And sometimes at night we just talk. For hours and hours. It's a true emotional and spiritual connection. He's such a good listener. It's not just sex anymore. And oh God...(laughs) That's not to say the sex isn't amazing. The sex is so intense and steamy...
Katrina: (Bites her lip, a little miffed) Really?
Atreca: Yeah...he does such naughty things when we're in bed together.
Katrina: (Bitter) Well Atreca, from what you tell me, you have every reason to be happy. You have a great guy on your hands. Frankly, maybe you should just grow up. And appreciate what you have. Not all of us can find such a great guy as Avo. (Looks away in regret)
Atreca: (Suspicious) Well thank you for your concern, Katrina. I never knew you thought so highly of my boyfriend.
Katrina: I'm just saying...
Atreca: What are you just saying? How about I make a deal with you? I won't sabatoge my relationship with Avo and neither will YOU.
Katrina: (Ashamed) Deal. You know I would never do anything to hurt you.
Atreca: (Disconcerted, flinching) I have to go say hi to George W. I'll see you later.

Atreca stomps away. Katrina looks dejected.

SCENE 7: Atreca's parents, Gerald and Christine, try and sleep at night.

Christine: What's wrong?
Gerald: Nothin'.
Christine: Is it Atreca?
Gerald: I don't know. Maybe.
Christine: Ohh honey. I know how upset you are. I know you love Atreca more than anything. Letting go of your little girl's hand is a hard thing to do. You never stop loving them. This I know.
Gerald: It's not that. She's marrying an avocado. She's making a mistake.
Christine: Do you doubt that the avocado loves her?
Gerald: ...
Christine: I know how you feel. When Atreca first told me she was seeing an avocado, I didn't know what to think. But then she told me something that really opened my mind. Do you know what that was?
Gerald: Eh?
Christine: She said how do we know how a piece of fruit really feels? Just because we're human, can we ever know the heart or the mind of a piece of fruit? Perhaps they bleed, perhaps they mourn. And we're just too seed-thirsty to consider life from the fruit's point of view.
Gerald: Jesus. What's next? Is she going to start dating vegetables?
Christine: Now you're just being ridiculous.
Gerald: Hmmph.
Christine: How about tomorrow you call her up? Just talk to her. She is still your little girl. Regardless of whether or not she marries an avocado.
Gerald: Yeah. All right. I'll call her.


SCENE 8: Alicia, a seventeen year old redhead, speaks to her parole officer.

Officer: Well Alicia. You've served your time. Hopefully, all those years in juvenile prison has taught you something.

Alicia lights up a cigarette.

Alicia: Fuck yeah it taught me something, pig. How fucked up this country is. From now on, I don't answer to you or anyone.
Officer: Oh yeah? Just know you little rotten tomato, that if you start acting up again, you'll be right back behind bars. Only this time, you'll be tried as an adult. And they'll send you away for good next time.
Alicia: Did you say rotten tomato? Heheheheh. Brings back a lot of memories. Later, pig.

The officer tightens his brow in anger.


FADE TO FLASHBACK, SCENE 9: A group of teenage girls gone wild drive down a country road late one night in Idaho.

Girl 1: Pass the beer!
Girl 2: Pass the weed!
Girl 3: Pass the diaphragm!
Alicia: Will you all shut up? I can't hear the radio.
Girl 1: Like, I totally feel like going on a crime spree!
Girl 2: OMG! Yeaaaah! That would be so hawt!
Girl 3: Me too! Let's totally do something against the law!
Alicia: Oh yeah? Like what? Are you bitches really feeling wild tonight?
Girl 1: I am soooo drunk!
Girl 2: I am way stoned.
Girl 3: I'm just horny!
Alicia: Oh yeah? (Grin) I have an idea. That is, if you're feeling really wild and crazy.
Girl 1: Let's do it!!
Girl 2: Totally! Like, let's go! Let's be criminals and stuff!
Girl 3: Yaaa! It's so fun to break the law!
Alicia: But I don't know if you're ready for this.
Girls: We are!
Alicia: We might face some hard time if the cops catch us.
Girl 1: That's cool. As long as we have our driver's license cops can't give us a ticket. I heard that on the news.
Girl 2: Even if I like, sooo get arrested? It would still be cool. And hawt.
Girl 3: Oh that's pimping! I want to go to prison, cuz like, a lot of men are in prison and we could totally have sex with them!
Alicia: Okay. You've been warned. Heheheh. The first farm we see, we're going for it.
Girl 1: Farm?
Girl 2: YYYYyeah? I don't follow what you're saying.
Girl 3: I'm like, confused too. What do you mean?
Alicia: Heyyy...there's a farm now. (Squints wickedly)


END OF ACT TWO


INTERMISSION


Now a word from our sponsors...


Cannibal Women in the Avocado Jungle of Death




SCENE 9: Gerald talks on the phone early the next morning.

Gerald: Hey. It's dad...(uncomfortable grabbing the back of his neck)
Atreca: (Lethargic) Hey daddy.
Gerald: Hey. Look, I'm sure sorry about the other day.
Atreca: Oh...it's okay.
Gerald: Are you still in bed?
Atreca: Yeah.
Gerald: Oh...uh...are you with uh...
Atreca: Avo? No, daddy. I don't see him anywhere. (Sniffs)
Gerald: Did you look under the covers? Maybe he fell underneath or--
Atreca: No, daddy. I don't think he's coming back.
Gerald: What happened?
Atreca: We had another fight. Well, I should say I wanted a fight. You know how passive aggressive Avo can be. Well, I started screaming and then he just totally went silent. He wouldn't even acknowledge me. It was so strange and scary. It was like he totally was ignoring my existence.
Gerald: (Thinks to himself) Bastard.
Atreca: He's not a bastard, dad.
Gerald: Huh? Oh you heard that?
Atreca: (Starts crying softly) I don't know what's wrong. But it just seems that no matter what I do, it's never enough for him. I can only give so much you know.
Gerald: (Biting his lower lip) I know, sweety.
Atreca: I talk to him, I shout at him, I beg him to listen to me and try to understand my point of view. And he always shuts me out. It's always this macho bullshit with him. He just tunes me out whenever I need him the most.
Gerald: (Thinks to himself) Dammit, kid...No. Just let her talk. No use saying I told you so.
Atreca: I know you told me so. You're always right, dad.
Gerald: (Irritated) Dammit, why do you keep hearing that? Look sweety, you know I'll always be there for you. I want to support you no matter what.
Atreca: (Crying heavily) He doesn't even act like he wants to marry me. He just says nothing or ignores me when I talk about marriage. I can take a hint!
Gerald: Well...dammit, I can't believe I'm saying this. But have you ever wondered if maybe, I dunno, maybe the kid is just afraid?
Atreca: (Rolls her eye) He's not afraid, dad. This is a pattern of his. Every few years he seems to pick up another girl, seduces her, leads her on and then dumps her right as she's getting serious. Guess he only preys on us stupid girls, huh?
Gerald: No, honey. You're not dumb. You're just...
Atreca: I'm just what?
Gerald: You're just brave. That's all. (Smiles) You follow your heart. And you don't give a damn about what other people think. Just like your old man.
Atreca: Awww thanks daddy.
Gerald: Yeah. Look I gotta go whack off. I'll talk to you later.

Gerald hangs up.

Gerald: (Thinks to himself, quite angry) That son of a bitch. He thinks he can screw around with my girl and fuck her head up with mind games? That bastard's got another thing coming. I'll kill him if he ever hurts her.

Christine his wife walks by.

Christine: Now honey, violence never solves anything.
Gerald: DAMMIT! Why am I always thinking out loud?!


SCENE 10: Katrina sits inside a bar with her date Alex one seedy night.


Alex: What's the matter? You've hardly touched your drink.
Katrina: Hmm? Oh. Sorry. I guess I'm not feeling very well.
Alex: Is it about POD Publishing? Is it about unfair stigma that vanity presses get today?
Katrina: (Confused) What? No. No. Just personal stuff.
Alex: Ah. Is it related to love?
Katrina: (Sadly) Yeah maybe.
Alex: I've been there. I've certainly been in love. And have the wounds to prove it. And the medical records to prove that I've never contracted anything from love.
Katrina: Uh, right. Look Alex, I'm sorry. Maybe I was mistaken in coming here. I just don't feel like falling in love tonight.
Alex: How about just a one night fling? That's sort of like, microwaved love?
Katrina: I think I would prefer to just go home by myself tonight. I'm sorry.
Alex: (Grumbling) Fine. You owe me $7.50 for the drink.
Katrina: Here. (Leaves a ten)
(Katrina walks away)
Alex: (Shouts out) When will you get over him, darling?
Katrina: (Turns back) Over who?
Alex: You know. Him. The proverbial him.
Katrina: (Miffed, turns to him) I've already gotten over him, Alex. What I haven't gotten over yet is the world's cynicism. No wonder there's so much unrequited love in a world that constantly passes judgment. I've already lost the avocado I love. To a woman who doesn't even appreciate him. I don't expect you to understand.
Alex: Uh, yeah, I don't really. (Shrugs) I fucked a pie once.
(Katrina ignores him and leaves the bar)


SCENE 11: A police detective talks to Missus Thomas in an NYPD Blue backdrop.


Detective: I know this is very difficult for you. But we have to go through this word by word, if we're ever going to catch the creeps that did this to you.
Missus Thomas: I understand.
Detective: Now tell me from the beginning what happened that night. In the farm.
Missus Thomas: (Repulsed) Oh dear me.
Detective: Please. Whenever you're ready.
Missus Thomas: My late husband and I had that farm for an entire lifetime. We cultivated the crops and picked fresh vegetables as far back as I can remember. And then...(Sighs)
Detective: Yeah?
Missus Thomas: Well you know what happened. One night this pack of vicious, unmedicated girls came by our house late one night. They were drunk, doped up and hadn't had a man in ages. So they chose us for their hideous assault.
Detective: And they attacked you?
Missus Thomas: Well, in essence!
Detective: In essence? Did they lay a hand on you?
Missus Thomas: No. They went into the farm and they proceeded to...(Chokes)
Detective: It's okay. Just tell me.
Missus Thomas: They picked my entire field of vegetables and then they--(Winces) they raped them! They raped all my vegetables!
Detective: (Shamed) My God.
Missus Thomas: Tomatoes, potatoes, carrots and ears of corn...they all...shoved up their genitals!!!! IT WAS HORRIBLE!
Detective: (Shaking his head in disgust) And you were made aware of this--
Missus Thomas: They did it right in front of me! They taunted me while they violated my vegetables. Saying that my babies didn't deserve to live. That they deserved to be violated and then eaten.
Detective: Well...uh...certainly not violated.
Missus Thomas: Or eaten! I don't raise my babies just to eat them. They are a part of me. I still have tomatoes from twenty years ago collecting in my bedroom.
Detective: (Flinches) Um okay. Let me ask you this. Could you identify any of these girls in a line up.
Missus Thomas: Oh yeees! I remember all of their young, impudent faces like a recurring nightmare. Especially the one girl...the red head. The instigator and ring leader. (Vengeful) Her name was ALICIA.
Detective: Okay. We'll find them.


SCENE 12: Later, three tearful girls are interrogated by a mean cop.


Mean Cop: TELL ME THE TRUTH!!
Girl 1: (Sobbing) We are like, sooooo sorry! We totally repent of our evil ways! {Sniff}
Girl 2: Mega-repentant we so totally are! OMG! It's like, I am so ashamed of the stuff I did and the vegetables I hurt. I like, grieve over it awesomely. {blubber}
Girl 3: I'm so vulnerable, and sorry and lonely. And horny. But mostly sorry!
Mean Cop: Do you girls have any idea where Alicia is?
Girl 2: Duuuude! This was all Alicia's idea!
Girl 1: YYYYeeeah? It was Alicia's idea like, from the very start!
Girl 3: Oh my gawd! I like, totally remember her saying that we should go to a farm. She is like, Osama evil. She's a slut!
Girl 1: And a bitch!
Girl 2: And like, a loser! I mean she shoves vegetables up her privates, dude.
Girl 3: Yah, I would so never do that.
Girl 2: Me either.
Girl 1: Though we just did.
Girl 2: Oh yeah.
Girl 3: Well never again. After this.
Girl 2: Never. Totally never. Like so never again.
Mean Cop: ...All right you're free to go. On the basis you testify against Alicia when we need you to. (Thinks to himself) That girl's going away for good this time.
Girl 1: Good! Arrest her, that skank!
Mean Cop: ...How did you hear that?


SCENE 13: At a Gas Station.

An ATM Machine waits. A man unknowingly drops his bank card by the machine.

Time passes. Atreca enters the gas station and picks up the bank card.


She smiles at the ATM Machine.

Atreca: (Flirty smile) Hiiii. (Giggles) Come here often? Or shall I say, do people come to you often? AHAWHAWHAWAW! Do you like my laugh? Some people say I laugh like Julia Roberts.

Meanwhile a man at the counter looks over to Atreca and tightens his brow. Atreca sees him and plays it cool.

Atreca: (Whispers) So what's your name? Or do you just go by ATM machine? It sounds so formal. How long has it been since you've been with a woman anyway? (Giggles) Well, I'd like to think I'm looking for a sugar daddy. A strong silent type who can buy me things...gimme money when I need it.

Gas Station Attendant: Ma'am, you buy something today? No talk to ATM machine. Please.

Atreca: (Irritated) I'm just chitchatting. I'm here on business...

Gas Station Attendant: Hurry up and go.

Atreca: I'll bet you have a lot of money in there, huh? Ohhh I like that. Playing all hunky and hard to get and shit. Mmm...well I got something that might liven you up a bit.

(Atreca reaches inside her blouse and pulls out the lost bank card)

Atreca: Huhhh! How'd I do that? Magic. (Winks) Now if I put this in you, will you be nicer to me? Mmm? (Giggles and wags her head at the ATM machine)

Atreca: Let me just look through my purse a minute and let me find the--

Atreca suddenly finds
avocado in her purse, looking quite unamused and hurt.

Atreca: OH MY GOD!! AVO!!! THERE YOU ARE! I-I THOUGHT YOU LEFT! I-I CAN EXPLAIN THIS...


END OF ACT THREE


INTERMISSION

Sponsored by PETA

Actual quote from Alex Pacheco, co founder of PETA

"We feel that avocados have the same rights as a retarded human child because they are equal mentally in terms of dependence on others."






SCENE 14: The
avocado sits atop a garbage can. Katrina walks by and does a double take.

Katrina: (Concerned) Avo? Is that you? What's the matter?

The
avocado sees her but doesn't bother responding.

Katrina: Well...I mean, why are you out here in the garbage? What happened?

The
avocado looks as if it's going to say something. But then doesn't.

Katrina: Is it Atreca? (Gulping) Did something happen between the two of you? I sure really hope not. That would be tragic. God I hope nothing happened. Did it? Are you still with her?

The
avocado doesn't comment but senses Katrina's motivation.

Katrina: Well...I'm sorry. I...I'm sorry. That was inappropriate of me to ask that. I better go.

Katrina turns around and starts to walk away. But then stops and looks back.

Katrina: (Shamed) Whaaat? What do you want from me Avo? What are you doing to me?

The
avocado doesn't flinch.

Katrina: Would you like to come back...to my place? Um, just for coffee or something.

The
avocado looks weak and defeated, an easy victim there for the taking.


SCENE 15: Gerald and his wife sit at home watching TV. Gerald is playing with a kitchen knife.

Christine: Why are you playing with that knife, Gerald?
Gerald: Huh? Oh. Nothing.
Christine: Please, honey. How long have we been married? I know you all too well by now.
Gerald: Then you know the answer.
Christine: You're planning to kill him, aren't you? The Avocado?
Gerald: (Looks at her in uncertainty)
Christine: (Shrugs) I can't stop you, honey. I'm sure you'll get away with it. I would never turn you in, of course. And I highly doubt the police would prosecute you for anything.
Gerald: Hmmph. Even if they did...it wouldn't really matter, hon.
Christine: What has become of your life, honey? That revenge is the only thing that incites you to action these days? Killing the Avocado that loved your daughter for--
Gerald: He didn't love her, goddammit!!! He toyed with her. He seduced her. He tormented her. Nobody messes with my only daughter. I'll see to it the son of a bitch gets what's coming to him.
Christine: Okay, honey. We'll do it your way.
Gerald: Yeah.
Christine: But just one thing to consider. You know Atreca called earlier today? She sounded happy.
Gerald: Oh yeah?
Christine: She broke up with The Avocado.
Gerald: (Half smile) Really? Why?
Christine: I think she met someone else.
Gerald: Oh yeah? Not another fruit was it?
Christine: No. She said he has a lot of money.
Gerald: (Proud) Really? Good. And hopefully he's a good man. And will treat her like the princess she is.
Christine: Well...she never actually said He was a man.
Gerald: (Concerned) Oh. Not again.
Christine: I don't know. Let's try and give her the benefit of the doubt. But please, this time around, be nice. Try to get along with him, whatever he is. Better you gain a son in law then lose a daughter. You see what I mean?
Gerald: (Nods) Yeah. As long as it ain't an Avocado. It'll be fine.
Christine: You're still holding the knife, Gerald.
Gerald: (Mumbling)
Christine: Why not just leave the Avocado alone? I'm sure he's endured enough grief for one life time.
Gerald: Yeah, well maybe I'll put him out of his misery.
Christine: I know that you'll do the right thing. You are not a man who enjoys inflicting pain or greed. I know that by tomorrow morning you will come to your senses. You will let that young man, or thing, alone to contend with the world who already hates him. I trust that you will forgive him, her, and at last yourself.

Gerald thinks it over as Christine goes to bed.


SCENE 16: Katrina wakes up under the covers.

Katrina: (Worried) Avo! Where are you? Avo?

Katrina gets up and walks around. NUDE SCENE!!

Katrina: (Thinks) Oh my God. He left. Not even one night and he's already running away. I promised myself I wouldn't do this again. I won't let another man, or fruit or plant, get to me again. (Stifles back tears) Just let him go. He's mad at the world. At Atreca. At the whole damned planet. He's already expressed his anger towards me. The love making last night was not just intense. It was violent and inflamed. And then this is how he ends it. Avo I was wrong about you. You are an arrogant bastard. So just go then. Go and celebrate your empty victory. I have a life to live.

Katrina wipes away her last tear.


SCENE 17: A Toyota Camry pulls over to the side of the road.

Avocado sees the car and remains motionless. Alicia smiles coyly.

Alicia: Why hello. Need a ride somewhere?

The
avocado says nothing but tries to look friendly.

Alicia: Well you're quite the sweet talker, aren't you? I know all about you charming types. And you know what? I don't trust you one bit. (Winks)

The
avocado takes a comfortable silence.

Alicia: Get in, Mister Smarty Pants. When I get tired of you, I'll get rid of you. But for now...you've earned your free ride with your quiet wit.

The cocky
avocado remains motionless.

Alicia: (Laughing) You little fruit! I have to come outside and pick you up and put you in the passenger's seat? You're a spoiled little fucker aren't you? Okay hotshot. You've got a deal. But I do you a favor, and maybe you do me one. Know what I mean?

FADE OUT



"ONE WEEK LATER"


SCENE 17: Policeman investigate a crime scene.

Policeman: Damn.

Avocado gore is all over the street. The avocado was violently gashed to pieces and his insides were purposely scattered all over the road. Part of the avocado was even eaten!

Policeman 2: Are you sure this is a crime? Maybe littering at most?

Policeman: Well...that's not our job to decide. But I'll tell you one thing. This was an act of violence. Somebody viciously tore apart that Avocado. And I won't let them get away with it. Any crime...no matter how small...should never go unpunished. I'll find the one who did this.



Directed by Sam Mendes


Screenplay by Alan Ball


Original Score by Hans Zimmer


Original Story by Mitchell Warren

13 comments:

Anonymous said...

This movie begins with an absolutely dead-on familiarity and then rotates its story through satire, comedy, suspense and violence, until it emerges as one of the best films I've ever seen. To watch it is to experience steadily mounting delight, as you realize the filmmakers have taken enormous risks, gotten away with them and made a movie that is completely original.

-Roger Ebert

Anonymous said...

This story just proves that self-confidence is sexy.

-David DeAngelo

Anonymous said...

HEY! What the hell is wrong with you? You're making fun of serious issues, issues that matter to people who care about animals. I don't give a damn about avocados. I eat avocados for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Stop being such a prick.

-Alex Pacheco

Anonymous said...

......

-The Avocado

Anonymous said...

Yeah, go screw yourself PETA. Where the hell were you when I was falling off a frickin waterfall? Pffft!

-Milo

Anonymous said...

Hey Milo shut up before I go all Beijing on your ass.

-Alex Pacheco

heather lynn said...

I had an avocado for lunch.

wait... does that sound dirty now?

Anonymous said...

I eat avocados all day long and I don't feel the least bit bad about it.

-Alex Pacheco

Anonymous said...

as always entertaining avocado drama...this series still makes me laugh when I read it. love the comments as well...were you that bored? lmao--jen

Anonymous said...

Milo!!!!!!! Where are you??? I want more doggy sex!! Get over here!

-Otis

Anonymous said...

You are a pervert! Stay away from me you leg-humping whore!

-Milo

Anonymous said...

Imi imishe Kuso! Jigoku e ike... Kono ama!

-Masanori Hata

Anonymous said...

Poor avocado. We'll never really know what was on his mind. Viciously murdered by his enemies, or perhaps lustful, evil women, his passage reminds us to always listen to the sounds of silence. This really is one of my favorite satires. -karlsie